Neko

How many notes written … 
ink smeared like birdprints in snow.
not good enough not pretty enough not smart enough 
dear mother and father. 
I apologize 
for disappointing you. 
I’ve worked very hard, 
not good enough 
harder, perhaps to please you. 
If only I were a son, shoulders broad 
as the sunset threading through pine, 
I would see the light in my mother’s 
eyes, or the golden pride reflected 
in my father’s dream 
of my wide, male hands worthy of work 
and comfort. 
I would swagger through life 
muscled and bold and assured, 
drawing praises to me 
like currents in the bed of wind, virile 
with confidence. 
not good enough not strong enough not good enough

I apologize. 
Tasks do not come easily. 
Each failure, a glacier. 
Each disapproval, a bootprint. 
Each disappointment, 
ice above my river. 
So I have worked hard. 
not good enough. 
My sacrifice I will drop 
bone by bone, perched 
on the ledge of my womanhood, 
fragile as wings. 
not strong enough 
It is snowing steadily 
surely not good weather 
for flying - this sparrow 
sillied and dizzied by the wind 
on the edge. 
not smart enough. 
I make this ledge my altar 
to offer penance. 
This air will not hold me, 
the snow burdens my crippled wings, 
my tears drop like bitter cloth 
softly into the gutter below. 
not good enough not strong enough not smart enough

Choices thin as shaved 
ice. Notes shredded 
drift like snow 
on my broken body, 
covers me like whispers 
of sorries. 
Perhaps when they find me 
they will bury 
my bird bones beneath 
a sturdy pine 

and scatter my feathers like 

unspoken song 

over this white and cold and silent 

breast of earth.